What They Forgot to Tell You About Having Children

Having children is awful. “Oh, it’s the most precious experience there is!”

Stop the B.S.

A) A one-foot-tall brand new U.S. citizen suddenly moves into your house and you are FORCED to child-proof every object in your life.

B) This one-foot-tall U.S. citizen (and what did she even do to deserve that passport?) doesn’t speak English and yet DEMANDS you understand her 24 hours a day.

Am I psychic? No. Tough!

C) This new roommate you are forced to tolerate cries all the time.

Cries and screams and SCREAMS. You. Can. Not. Shut. Her. Up.

D) If you try to kick her out, the government shows you her 18-year lease that you CANNOT BREAK!

I used to tape lists of seven-letter Scrabble words to my kid’s stroller at 2 a.m. and would have to run for two hours because it was the only way to get that screaming PoS to sleep.

But at least I would get better at Scrabble. “ETESIAN!”

E) This new roommate that you are required to love shits on the floor or shits in her weird plastic pants and expects you to clean it. She will cry for 24 straight hours if you don’t clean it.

If you don’t clean it, she dies.

F) You are expected to feed your new roommate at erratic times all day long and they have less motor control then than someone with no arms and no legs.

G) 24 hours a day, seven days a week, you are required to make sure this one-foot-tall human doesn’t kill themselves by mistake. If they do, then you will go to jail.

H) You have to touch their dirty sh*t-covered genitals when you clean them. Oh yeah, you have to clean them. A lot.

I) At night (if you are a man), your new roommate climbs in bed with the love of your life and sucks on her breasts.

If they were a normal roommate you might kick them out of your house at that point. But then you go to jail.

J) You and your spouse have gone from being “lovers” to being “parents.”

It’s the funnest thing in the world to be a lover. You can watch Game of Thrones all night. You can daydream. You can spend four hours at a bookstore.

Being a parent is about preventing death.

K) Your kid always wants to go to the beach.

You used to go to the beach and look at the ocean and think about how wonderful the planet is. Then read a thick, stupid novel.

Now you go to the beach and all you are allowed to do is prevent this tiny beast from drowning.

L) You have no idea if this one-foot-tall person will turn into someone you like or hate when they are five feet tall.

M) Dance recitals. Hundreds and hundreds of dance recitals with the other 50 million daughters on the planet in line before your daughter’s three seconds.

N) They want dogs. Dogs are similar to babies (sh*tting, crying, needing, puking, etc.) but smarter.

I have two daughters and three stepchildren and one dog.

They are the loves of my life.

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