I wanted the plane to crash. I wanted her to break up with me. And I wanted my business to fail.
I could picture it: the plane spiraling down out of control. Maybe on fire. Maybe everyone screaming.
But before that, I wanted her to tell me she loved me. That she was CERTAIN.
I am an addict. I have an addiction to “certainty.” In other words, I was, and maybe still am, mentally ill..
The strongest mark of a pro versus an amateur is to be comfortable with uncertainty. I was (and maybe still am) an amateur.
What does that mean?
It means:
- Being uncertain in your relationships but doing your best. Doing the right thing.
- Being uncertain about money. About career. But doing the best you can. Every day improving.
- Being uncertain about health. But every day doing something to improve your physical health. The light shines on our soul just once, for the briefest of moments, make the light shine as bright as possible.
- Being uncertain about politics, opinions, history, the world. The world unravels it’s secrets to us very slowly. We’ll never know anything for sure. So roll with it.
- Being uncertain about success. There’s no definition. Once we define it, we sentence ourselves to mostly failure as we try to meet our unrealistic expectations. Since all expectations are unrealistic.
Uncertainty equals happiness.
I used to be afraid to fly.
Once the turbulence started I would grip the sides and I was sure I was going to die. I would tell myself, “I am never going to fly again!”
I would look around and wonder, “Why isn’t everyone else panicking?” I would sweat and want to cry.
Stop shaking!
Gripping the side of the seat was like trying to control the plane’s shaking.
Trying to be certain.
Then I taught myself to stop being afraid to fly.
Here is what I did: I “leaned into it.” Meaning (for me), as soon as the plane started shaking, I hoped in my head that the plane would crash. That the turbulence was maybe (or maybe not!) just the start of a tumble.
The tumble would send us spiraling to the ground. I hope for it. My expectations on survival were nil.
And then I stopped being afraid.
The more uncertain I am, the less afraid I am. The more uncertain I am, the more stories happen in my life. Stories happen everywhere. I started to see them. To lean into them.
The more questions I have about the life around me. The more I try to improve. The more well-being I feel.
When the plane lands, as it always has, I feel like I am born again. Everything glitters. Every additional moment is a gift.
Like angels have guided me down and there is still a mission yet to be revealed to me. Or some other bullshit like that.
Read More: How to Deal With Crappy People