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I can’t believe how I’ve gotten away with what I’ve gotten away with even though I’m so stupid. I was having a weird argument yesterday with my ex-wife. I was trying to say, “I’m stupid” so she was disagreeing and accusing me of lying. So I kept insisting. “I got bad grades all through high […]

(picture is of me and my favorite hero at that time: Thor) I was sure I was a superhero and nobody knew it. I jumped off my bed, I was wearing a towel as a cape. To create the setting, I had “Shimmy Shimmy Ko Ko Bop” playing on my record player. I broke my toes […]

Steven Wright, the comedian, helps Louis CK write his TV shows. He’s the ONLY person Louis CK trusts to help him. Here’s a Steven Wright joke, picture him saying it in a very droll monotone way: “It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.” Yesterday I read that Steven Wright […]

I don’t know if you remember me. But I was living across the street from you. All of my clothes had holes. I had no food left in my house. And I was a mess. My girlfriend had left me. And I didn’t know how to cook and I had no money. And I had […]

In mid-2002 I was so depressed I simply ran out of ideas. Depression scorches the earth of your brain. I would sit in it at 3 in the morning in the dark. Lord of my crumbling kingdom. Every day I went a little more broke and there was nothing I could do about it. Going […]

I’m surprised Claudia Azula Altucher hasn’t divorced me yet. I’m surprised that she decided to date me to begin with. I was a separated, but married, man. I had 2 kids. I had the IRS freezing my assets on a regular basis. The bank was going to take the house my kids lived in. I […]

I met a girl in a bar. Which is the first and only time I had ever done that. She said, “try this”. It was a drink. I tried it. We ordered two more. Then two more. Then two more. then two more. I went to the urine-stenched bathroom. I came back. She was kissing […]