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Admit it: you were jealous of Bernie Madoff. For a split second. That night in December, 2008 when you first heard the news, interrupting the ongoing panic of every bank going out of business, every job disappearing, every ATM machine running out of cash, the organic fruit at the farmer’s market skyrocketing to $200 an […]

(to see the video for the commercial in the above image, click on this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aNu0FDxJezo) First off, there’s a lot of reasons why I shouldn’t like this commercial. I don’t like alcohol (the commercial is called “Tonight We Tanqueray”). Several reasons: A) The only time I’ve ever gotten sick in the past 5 years is […]

At dinner that night, Bubba the Love Sponge pulled out a gun from his bag and pointed it at me. It was the first time a gun had ever been pointed at me. This was last Thursday. A few hours earlier I was in his studio watching how a radio show was produced. There was […]

You ever notice that all the greatest advice in the world is always couched in the negative? And by “greatest advice” I mean: withstood the test of time. Like, there were a lot of people in 1500 BC who were saying, “Be happy” but then Moses had to come along and basically just said, “Don’t […]

“Don’t you take any pride in your work?” Rob Sansom said to me on his way to being a billionaire or at least a 100-millionaire. He called me into his office. I had to write a manual and I did a bad job at it because I was busy writing a novel in my spare […]

I couldn’t believe I was about to make 50 dollars. I was only 12 years old. Robert and I were standing on the corner of 45th and Broadway, right near Times Square. The guy had his cardboard table with three cards on it. “Where’s the Queen? Where’s the Queen?” He was flipping the cards back […]

I hate you and I never even met you. That’s my gut reaction when I open my eyes in the morning. That gut reaction is sent out into the cosmic psychic layer of the planet to seven billion people. Trust me when I say stuff like that. Claudia even snores in reaction when it happens. […]