I Want My Daughters to Be Lesbians

The other day a little boy, 11 years old, grabbed the head of my 12 year old girl and forced her to kiss him. She didn’t want it to happen. As innocuous as it sounds, it was the first time her space had been invaded by someone of the opposite sex and it resulted in something very embarrassing and uncomfortable happening to her.And it was my fault.

I wanted to go to the 50th birthday party of a friend of mine. She didn’t want to go. She already had had a great day with her friends and she was tired. I argued: now you have to do what I want to do.

There were kids at the party so I thought they could play. She was shooting pool with me and I was on the other side of the pool table when the little boy came over and did his thing.

I couldn’t react fast enough. I didn’t even know how to react. But then I jumped over there and told the little boy to never kiss girls who didn’t want to be kissed and chased him away from Josie.

Josie wanted to leave the party right away. So we left. A few minutes later, in the car, she was crying and she didn’t know why she was crying. After we got home and parked I went into the back seat with her. I sat there next to her for a long time. She didn’t stop crying

Girls don’t know what goes on in the minds of boys and then men. Because of my rule “never go to weddings” I also never have been to a bachelor party. A friend of mine who is a stockbroker recently went to a bachelor party. “We all got a suite of rooms in Vegas,” he said. “And a couple of prostitutes came over and went room to room and yanked us off.” Maybe these are just stockbroker bachelor parties. I don’t know.

This is the world of guys. I’m telling mild stories. Guys who read this are thinking, “wow! He’s not even getting to the real stuff.”

I remember as a kid, three honor roll students at my lunch table discussing the pros and cons of the following question: “if a beautiful girl was sitting in a room alone, naked, would you rape her?” This is what little boys think about. Boys who grow into men.

Women have their problems too. No relationship is easy. But guys until a certain age are only after one thing. And for some guys, that age is 80 years old. They hide it well. And they get it wherever they can.

(Recently divorced billionaire, George Soros, with some new friends)

I love women. There’s nothing I would rather see than to see each of my daughters eventually bring home more women to share their lives with. Maybe I’m totally wrong and naive but I feel like women are nice to each other. The more women the better.

A couple of days later Josie was still upset. Would the boy talk about her in school? Would it happen again? Could she have avoided it? What should she have done? We talked some more for a bit. Then we went outside to play. Outside by the river, we ran into one of her best friends. They played soccer back and forth for about an hour.

When they were done, both girls were smiling.


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P.s. I tried to think if this post would be offensive to anyone. Perhaps straight women because it questions their choices? But also reduces supply in the supply and demand equation so their value goes up. So scratch that. Straight men its offensive too, definitely. But they can handle it. Would it be offensive to lesbians? Probably not. As Larry David says, “I’m on the team!”

(the younger Larry David, performing standup)

P.P.S. It took me a couple of weeks to post this story. Everytime I considered posting it I got nervous for some reason. A few seconds ago I was looking at my daughters and I said something to them. I said, “its sad”. What’s sad, Daddy? “Its sad that one day all three of us will be dead.” They just looked at me. “But hopefully it will be me first. Hopefully I’ll be old and in some bed somewhere about to die and you two will be standing around the bed holding my hands. Maybe you’ll be making jokes to try to make me laugh.”

They didn’t say anything. Maybe they were bored. Maybe they were thinking, as they usually do, “I think Daddy is moving his mouth so he might be saying something but I’m too busy with other very important nine year old thoughts to listen to him.”

If that’s what they were thinking, then they were certainly correct.



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