Don’t Read the Headlines!

I love this: 

Right now it’s 3:40 p.m. as I write this and the headline on Yahoo! Finance is: 

“Markets fall as concerns over virus fallout mounts.” 

That’s the top headline. 

But here’s the thing: The markets are UP. 

They just need a stupid headline and that’s the point. That’s the point of what has been happening this entire crisis. The media keeps creating headlines and the sheep fall for it. “Geez, honey, should we panic? The headlines say there are more concerns!!”

Clearly we know the market exists. And I think all 300 million people over the age of 5 in the U.S. know all about the “the virus fallout.” How much worse could it be? 

I mean, we have monster hornets arriving in America and “released classified footage of aliens” and those headlines are not even newsworthy anymore. We get it! The virus is an issue. The economic shutdown is an issue. The other day, undercover police officers not wearing masks beat up two people in NYC who were not social distancing. It turns out the people WERE social distancing and the cops (by beating them up) WERE NOT social distancing. And they weren’t even wearing masks while they were beating these kids up. 

The world has kind of gone a bit crazy. 

I didn’t even read the article. I just thought the headline was funny. 

Here’s another headline. This one from CNN:

“Coronavirus is causing harm to the world’s oceans.”

Are you kidding me? I thought pollution was lower since the world shutdown. All the articles say so. I feel like the Pacific Ocean was getting annoyed that the coronavirus was getting so much press. 

I can imagine it calling its PR firm: 

PACIFIC: Dude, we’re not in the news anymore. Aren’t the glaciers still melting? 

JOE PR: Uhh, apparently that big hole in the Ozone layer has snapped shut. And pollution is about 30% less around the world. 

PACIFIC: WHAT!??? I thought the world had passed the tipping point. You mean to tell me that after only six weeks of Americans binge watching Tiger King the entire world has been saved? How can that be? 

JOE PR: I don’t know what to tell you. Aren’t you feeling better these days? There’s probably even less garbage being thrown in the ocean. 

PACIFIC: I DONT EFFING CARE! I pay you good money. I’m a big ocean. A piece of garbage is meaningless to me. 

JOE PR: How about we focus on the good news right now? Like, “Pacific Ocean is once again the masterful, blue, beautiful expanse it was in the 1400s.”

PACIFIC: The 1400s? Did you just say the 1400s? Are you kidding me? You mean the 1400s when those guys crossed the Atlantic and then killed 50 million Americans with… wait for it… a virus called smallpox? What am I paying you for? Can you answer me that? People don’t want good news. They want to know that the oceans are dying. Get Greta on the phone! Have her ride a goddamn kayak across the Pacific. Stop sitting around. 

JOE PR: OK, OK, I got it. You’re going to love this. For a while, every state thought they needed ventilators. They made a MILLION extra ventilators. Now they are throwing them out. How about ventilator parts, surgical gowns, masks, etc. are filling up the oceans with plastic?

PACIFIC: Ahhh, now you’re talking. Love it. Get on that. Do you think they will print it? 

JOE PR: (Laughing). Are you kidding me? They’ll print anything I tell them if it combines plastic and you. 

If you are sitting at home, here are some suggestions. I will call this my “Top 3″ and every few days I’ll write my “Top 3” of the day. 

Top 3 side hustles to look into: 

BIG: Set up a virtual restaurant for delivery via a “cloud kitchen.” Here’s an article about cloud kitchens in India but the same principles apply here. I love this idea and will write more about it in the future.

MEDIUM: Write a book in the next 30 days. Google “Altucher” and “30 day book challenge” to give you some ideas. 

SMALL: Join a mock jury. For instance, check out Or become a “Zoom babysitter” at

And don’t read the headlines! 

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