I Didn’t Want Her To Be Born. And Then…

I didn’t want her.

I thought to myself, how can I love anyone as much as I love Josie (her older sister)? And then Mollie was born.

When a baby is born this is what happens:

A new one foot tall US citizen moves into your house, can’t speak English, shits on the floor, cries all the time, and then sucks on your wife’s breasts.

A horrible roommate that you are stuck with because she has an 18 year lease.

I loved her three-year-old sister so much, how could I love her? It would be unfair.

But I did. But I do. But I will.

At night I was performing. I called her from the stage at 11:17 PM and put the speaker on and put the mic by the phone.

The audience shouted, “Happy Birthday!” and clapped.

Then, the joke of course. I said, “Ok, Mollie, F*** you” and I hung up.

We had planned that in advance. I have a new 17-year-old that I can plan things like that in advance and she will think its funny.

The audience was shocked and then I said, “I’m still trying to figure out this ‘father’ thing” and they laughed. Because it’s true.

Who am I to give advice?

She will figure out her own mistakes and problems and solutions (hopefully).

But I can say two things to her:

  • Don’t be a perfectionist.
  • Don’t get angry quickly. Anger is fear clothed.

And also, laugh a lot.

The greatest video in the history of mankind is this one of her laughing. She is laughing at a video her sister made for her. (Click here to watch it.)

Perhaps the greatest pleasure for me is helping to create these two beautiful women who love each other so much.

Happy Birthday, Mollie Altucher. Keep laughing.


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