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I got expelled from nursery school because I sh!t on a bunch of other little boys. We were all playing some sort of pile-up game and I was on top. One thing led to another. They sent me home on the short bus. I was the only one on the bus because it was the […]

What an F-ed up year. I can describe why but it doesn’t matter. We all have horrible moments. It doesn’t matter how good life is. Bad stuff happens. You can be healthy but homeless. You can be wealthy but sick. You can be in love but not have that love returned. Life is a sentence […]

Dear God, I collect money at a tollbooth on the New Jersey turnpike. It’s one of the most popular roads in the world. It takes people from their nice homes into the most important city in the planet. I help make it happen. They can’t get into the city without first passing me. I can […]

Books suck. I can’t believe anyone would write a book. I go in the bookstore and there are about 10,000 books. Who reads them? I will tell you. Nobody. I have rarely seen anyone read a book. People do it in hiding. Like in the bathroom. And then I read about the National Book Award […]

It’s going to be a shitstorm and I hope I have my umbrella. Incomes are getting lower every year. This will never stop. Since 1993. Income for people ages 18-35 have gone from $36,000 to $33,000. This seems like a small amount. It’s not. It’s the first time ever that income has gone down over […]

Originally I was going to make this a post about habits I’ve developed. You know, “habits to be the amazing, successful person that I am.” But I realized I don’t really have that many good habits. And I’m not sure I’m worth emulating. There is only one super important habit that stands above all the […]

Willy Wonka was a sad god who disappeared from the world. He only wanted to make magic with chocolate. But then he wanted to give the world one more chance. To find an heir. To find a human to love. The last scene of the movie: Gene Wilder and the winner of his contest, Charlie, […]