“Keep your eyes shut. He’s disgusting,” the woman told her daughter. About me. We were in Burger King and my mom and I were at the next table. I was ten years…
“Keep your eyes shut. He’s disgusting,” the woman told her daughter. About me. We were in Burger King and my mom and I were at the next table. I was ten years old. I was eating a Whopper ™ when I heard the girl’s mother. I got embarrassed. I had about half the whopper in […]
It was Claudia’s birthday but everything turned to shit. We checked into a nice hotel in the city where I had booked a normal room. I mentioned it was Claudia’s birthday and…
It was Claudia’s birthday but everything turned to shit. We checked into a nice hotel in the city where I had booked a normal room. I mentioned it was Claudia’s birthday and they gave us a good upgrade for no additional charge. Marilyn Monroe apparently used to live in the room we were upgraded to. […]
Wade had sex with Karen and now I had to fire him. She was our top designer. And he was also starting to make fun of one of my partners behind his…
Wade had sex with Karen and now I had to fire him. She was our top designer. And he was also starting to make fun of one of my partners behind his back. He’d do that roll-the-eyes thing whenever my partner spoke. Wade had caught the disease. The disease is very contagious and it spreads […]
Someone just tweeted that they hate when someone tweets, “In Case You Missed It…”. Because probably nobody missed it so why tweet it again? This guy HATES that. I don’t know. Why…
Someone just tweeted that they hate when someone tweets, “In Case You Missed It…”. Because probably nobody missed it so why tweet it again? This guy HATES that. I don’t know. Why all the hate? If I were to eat a tennis ball and then try to shit it out, I would hate that. That’s […]
Instead of going to school, I hid in the back behind the chimney. I heard the garage door open and close twice. My parents were gone. I ran through the corn field…
Instead of going to school, I hid in the back behind the chimney. I heard the garage door open and close twice. My parents were gone. I ran through the corn field out back to Route 27. I took the bus to NYC and got out at Port Authority. On 42nd Street guys would yell […]
Dear Google, I sort of want to have sex with you. Or I want you to be my father. Or my best friend. I don’t know, I feel so nervous writing this…
Dear Google, I sort of want to have sex with you. Or I want you to be my father. Or my best friend. I don’t know, I feel so nervous writing this letter. I hope you write back but you can’t because you’re God and God has to care for all of Her People and […]
Lynn, our child’s babysitter, was a drug addict and her doctor told her that her brain scan was the same as that of an 80 year old man’s who had multiple strokes.…
Lynn, our child’s babysitter, was a drug addict and her doctor told her that her brain scan was the same as that of an 80 year old man’s who had multiple strokes. Lynn was afraid to tell us she needed to take a few days off from watching Josie so she could go on Oprah […]
